On pictures

It's been my experience that all online dating profile pictures can be lumped into just a few categories.

Category: Guy with a small child.
What he's trying to say: See? I like kids! I've gotten my niece/nephew/friend's cousins's child to pose with me in this picture and I must be a nice guy since he/she/it doesn't seem *that* uncomfortable standing next to me. I can be trusted with all of your hopes and dreams.
What he's really saying: I'm *probably* not too creepy.
Variants: Guy with a dog.

Category: Guy abroad somewhere.
What he's trying to say: I once took a chance and set foot outside of this country. I'm adventurous!
What he's really saying: I have a passport.
Variants: Guy hiking, riding a motorcycle, hang-gliding, rock climbing, surfing, etc.

Category: Head-shot taken at an off-angle.
What he's trying to say: I'm quirky and spontaneous! Life will never be boring if you choose me!
What he's really saying: I have an inner ear problem.
Variants: Guy with a goofy look on his face.

Category: Guy with his arms around a hot girl.
What he's trying to say: I was once funny/clever/smart/entertaining/good looking enough to date someone this beautiful. That should tell you I'm worth your time! Even if this girl turns out to actually be my cousin.
What he's really saying: I'll secretly always wish I was still with the girl pictured here. So now you know what you're up against.
Variant: Guy with his arms around more than one hot girl.

Category: The professional head shot.
What he's trying to say: Look at how handsome I am!
What he's really saying: I needed a lot of air-brushing to look this good, so don't expect to actually see the guy in the picture waiting for you at the bar when we meet.
Variant: Picture taken from far enough away that you can't make out any features; guy wearing a doctor's lab coat/scrubs (comes complete with the not-so-subtle "can support you in the manner to which you've become accustomed" message).

Category: The cropped picture taken by a friend
What he's trying to say: This is what I look like, I thought you might like to know.
What he's really saying: This is what I look like, I thought you might like to know.

Not enough alcohol, part II

Continued from here:

1. Guy whose name I can't even remember
   
2. Guy who kept touching my hand
3. Guy with two kids
4. Guy who thinks science is sexy
5. Guy who wrote me from Kosovo
6. Guy who wanted to compete to see who knew Vermont better
7. Old guy who swears he's only single because he was busy getting his PhD
8. Guy who offered to help me get my butt in gear
   
9. Guy who hates all Arabs (and made sure I knew within our first ten minutes together)
10. Guy who asked me to go to Mexico with him sight unseen
11. Guy who had an unfortunate name
12. Guy who wanted to see a "clear, honest picture" of me before telling me about his research as a history grad student
13. Guy who made me eat Pad Thai after I told him how much I dislike it, who is the same guy who was upset I don't wear heels, who is the same guy who asked me (twice) to take advantage of him while he was drunk, who is the same guy who insisted he walk me one block to my car, who is the same guy who made me wait 10 minutes while he washed his dishes before walking me one block to my car, who is the same guy who asked for a ride the one block from my car back to his apartment
    
14. Guy who didn't talk
15. Guy who offered to fly in a helicopter up from Delaware for a date with me, who is the same guy who called me three times in the space of 15 minutes at work (and no, I never gave him my phone number)
16. Guy who asked to practice massage on me for our first date
17. Guy whose profile says "...I'm the guy that doesn't have the white infront of his face....The white is in use to protect the innocent. This is all I have for the moment, but I will have more."
18. Guy who took the time to write a (very nice) kiss-off email.
19. Guy who quickly became obsessed with the idea of my dating other guys.
20. Guy who was so nervous he couldn't really talk, but did manage to say I looked like a librarian (flatterer!).
21. Guy with a hair fetish.
22. Guy who wasn't exactly local.

And that's where this'll ends, folks. Because the guy who wasn't exactly local is local now. Who knew this whole online dating thing would really work!

Not enough alcohol in the world

As you all may or may not know, I'm single. Shocking, I know. You'd think someone would have snatched up this bookish, geeky Chemist by now, but alas, no one has. Everyone I've talked to (and who have talked with my parents) claims that, nowadays, the best way to meet people is on one of these online dating sites. I beg to differ. Here is a partial list of guys who have been in contact with me. Don't worry, I've only actually met some of them in person (those lucky souls are indicated in bold).

1. Guy whose name I can't even remember
   
2. Guy who kept touching my hand
3. Guy with two kids
4. Guy who thinks science is sexy
5. Guy who wrote me from Kosovo
6. Guy who wanted to compete to see who knew Vermont better
7. Old guy who swears he's only single because he was busy getting his PhD
8. Guy who offered to help me get my butt in gear
   
9. Guy who hates all Arabs (and made sure I knew within our first ten minutes together)
10. Guy who asked me to go to Mexico with him sight unseen
11. Guy who had an unfortunate name
12. Guy who wanted to see a "clear, honest picture" of me before telling me about his research as a history grad student
13. Guy who made me eat Pad Thai after I told him how much I dislike it, who is the same guy who was upset I don't wear heels, who is the same guy who asked me (twice) to take advantage of him while he was drunk, who is the same guy who insisted he walk me one block to my car, who is the same guy who made me wait 10 minutes while he washed his dishes before walking me one block to my car, who is the same guy who asked for a ride the one block from my car back to his apartment
    
14. Guy who didn't talk
15. Guy who offered to fly in a helicopter up from Delaware for a date with me, who is the same guy who called me three times in the space of 15 minutes at work (and no, I never gave him my phone number)
16. Guy who asked to practice massage on me for our first date

I figure I'll continue to add to this list from time to time for your collective amusement. After all, I should be getting something positive out of this experience (I mean, besides free vodka gimlets. Mmm, they make the crazy much easier to swallow and then promptly reject.), so why can't you too?