BAD PIE

A while ago I spoke to you all about Good Pie, instructed you in how to recognize it and divulged to you the secrets to eating it properly. I hope you have taken this advice to heart.

I write you today with a heavy heart for I have to discuss Bad Pie. Now you and I both know that in an ideal world there would be no Bad Pie (world peace, an end to poverty, fine, but seriously -- can you imagine a world with only Good Pie? It sends chills down my spine). But this is no ideal world and there are people out there putting themselves in Positions of Power as Pie Distributors who are letting you all down.

You see, there's a new Pie Bakery (this is the actual name of the shop) in town that my family tried out last night. When I got to the shop to buy a few pieces to take to dinner with me, my options were key lime pie (fine) and three choices of cream pie. That's all. Cream pie is...well, it's OK if there are other options as well, but honestly, I'm wary of a pie shop that seems to only be offering slices of cream pie. What are they trying to hide under all of that custard and whipped cream? (I am obligated to mention that this bakery did make their own whipped cream. At least some things are sacred.) I'll tell you what they were hiding: their crust.

Good pie crust is delicate and flaky, it almost dissolves in your mouth. Good Crust is difficult to work with. Apparently these pastry chefs couldn't be bothered and added BAKING POWDER to their dough to give it the appearance of flakiness, but really, it just ended up tasting like a stale cracker. Whywhywhywhywhy would they do that?! Remember, people, a stale cracker won't form that luxurious layer of slightly under-done filling-flavored goo that you're supposed to scrape off in Step 5 of your pie eating.

I do have to say there is one high point with this new bakery: the "History of Pie" blurb on the back of their takeout menu. And I quote:

"Pie has been around since the ancient Egyptians. The first pies were made by early Romans who may have learned about it through the Greeks. ."

Yes, there really is two-thirds of an ellipses on the printed document. I appreciate the proprietors covering their butts with the ancient civilizations, but why stop with the Egyptians, Romans and Greeks? How about the Akkadians or Babylonians? We could also -- gasp! -- venture onto other continental land masses! I wonder if any Ancient South American civilizations had pie. Better mention them too, just to be sure.