On pictures

It's been my experience that all online dating profile pictures can be lumped into just a few categories.

Category: Guy with a small child.
What he's trying to say: See? I like kids! I've gotten my niece/nephew/friend's cousins's child to pose with me in this picture and I must be a nice guy since he/she/it doesn't seem *that* uncomfortable standing next to me. I can be trusted with all of your hopes and dreams.
What he's really saying: I'm *probably* not too creepy.
Variants: Guy with a dog.

Category: Guy abroad somewhere.
What he's trying to say: I once took a chance and set foot outside of this country. I'm adventurous!
What he's really saying: I have a passport.
Variants: Guy hiking, riding a motorcycle, hang-gliding, rock climbing, surfing, etc.

Category: Head-shot taken at an off-angle.
What he's trying to say: I'm quirky and spontaneous! Life will never be boring if you choose me!
What he's really saying: I have an inner ear problem.
Variants: Guy with a goofy look on his face.

Category: Guy with his arms around a hot girl.
What he's trying to say: I was once funny/clever/smart/entertaining/good looking enough to date someone this beautiful. That should tell you I'm worth your time! Even if this girl turns out to actually be my cousin.
What he's really saying: I'll secretly always wish I was still with the girl pictured here. So now you know what you're up against.
Variant: Guy with his arms around more than one hot girl.

Category: The professional head shot.
What he's trying to say: Look at how handsome I am!
What he's really saying: I needed a lot of air-brushing to look this good, so don't expect to actually see the guy in the picture waiting for you at the bar when we meet.
Variant: Picture taken from far enough away that you can't make out any features; guy wearing a doctor's lab coat/scrubs (comes complete with the not-so-subtle "can support you in the manner to which you've become accustomed" message).

Category: The cropped picture taken by a friend
What he's trying to say: This is what I look like, I thought you might like to know.
What he's really saying: This is what I look like, I thought you might like to know.

Not enough alcohol, part II

Continued from here:

1. Guy whose name I can't even remember
   
2. Guy who kept touching my hand
3. Guy with two kids
4. Guy who thinks science is sexy
5. Guy who wrote me from Kosovo
6. Guy who wanted to compete to see who knew Vermont better
7. Old guy who swears he's only single because he was busy getting his PhD
8. Guy who offered to help me get my butt in gear
   
9. Guy who hates all Arabs (and made sure I knew within our first ten minutes together)
10. Guy who asked me to go to Mexico with him sight unseen
11. Guy who had an unfortunate name
12. Guy who wanted to see a "clear, honest picture" of me before telling me about his research as a history grad student
13. Guy who made me eat Pad Thai after I told him how much I dislike it, who is the same guy who was upset I don't wear heels, who is the same guy who asked me (twice) to take advantage of him while he was drunk, who is the same guy who insisted he walk me one block to my car, who is the same guy who made me wait 10 minutes while he washed his dishes before walking me one block to my car, who is the same guy who asked for a ride the one block from my car back to his apartment
    
14. Guy who didn't talk
15. Guy who offered to fly in a helicopter up from Delaware for a date with me, who is the same guy who called me three times in the space of 15 minutes at work (and no, I never gave him my phone number)
16. Guy who asked to practice massage on me for our first date
17. Guy whose profile says "...I'm the guy that doesn't have the white infront of his face....The white is in use to protect the innocent. This is all I have for the moment, but I will have more."
18. Guy who took the time to write a (very nice) kiss-off email.
19. Guy who quickly became obsessed with the idea of my dating other guys.
20. Guy who was so nervous he couldn't really talk, but did manage to say I looked like a librarian (flatterer!).
21. Guy with a hair fetish.
22. Guy who wasn't exactly local.

And that's where this'll ends, folks. Because the guy who wasn't exactly local is local now. Who knew this whole online dating thing would really work!

Not enough alcohol in the world

As you all may or may not know, I'm single. Shocking, I know. You'd think someone would have snatched up this bookish, geeky Chemist by now, but alas, no one has. Everyone I've talked to (and who have talked with my parents) claims that, nowadays, the best way to meet people is on one of these online dating sites. I beg to differ. Here is a partial list of guys who have been in contact with me. Don't worry, I've only actually met some of them in person (those lucky souls are indicated in bold).

1. Guy whose name I can't even remember
   
2. Guy who kept touching my hand
3. Guy with two kids
4. Guy who thinks science is sexy
5. Guy who wrote me from Kosovo
6. Guy who wanted to compete to see who knew Vermont better
7. Old guy who swears he's only single because he was busy getting his PhD
8. Guy who offered to help me get my butt in gear
   
9. Guy who hates all Arabs (and made sure I knew within our first ten minutes together)
10. Guy who asked me to go to Mexico with him sight unseen
11. Guy who had an unfortunate name
12. Guy who wanted to see a "clear, honest picture" of me before telling me about his research as a history grad student
13. Guy who made me eat Pad Thai after I told him how much I dislike it, who is the same guy who was upset I don't wear heels, who is the same guy who asked me (twice) to take advantage of him while he was drunk, who is the same guy who insisted he walk me one block to my car, who is the same guy who made me wait 10 minutes while he washed his dishes before walking me one block to my car, who is the same guy who asked for a ride the one block from my car back to his apartment
    
14. Guy who didn't talk
15. Guy who offered to fly in a helicopter up from Delaware for a date with me, who is the same guy who called me three times in the space of 15 minutes at work (and no, I never gave him my phone number)
16. Guy who asked to practice massage on me for our first date

I figure I'll continue to add to this list from time to time for your collective amusement. After all, I should be getting something positive out of this experience (I mean, besides free vodka gimlets. Mmm, they make the crazy much easier to swallow and then promptly reject.), so why can't you too?

Cooking a really freakin' big chicken, Day 1

Step 1. Get your hands on a really freakin' big chicken. This is where I got mine, at my friendly neighborhood farm. Check this baby out. It's over 7.5 pounds!

That's...that's huge, people. Don't believe me? Well, let's move on to step two.

Step 2. Find a pot big enough to hold said chicken. The one I have is a 20 quart I had to borrow from my brother since my largest pot was no where near large enough. Behold, the chicken next to the pot.

See? I wasn't lying. This is serious poultry!

Step 3. Make a brine (I used one cup of salt) and soak the chicken inside.

Step 4. Place pot and chicken inside fridge to thaw. Now, I'm not planning on cooking this chicken until Sunday, and for those of you paying attention at home, it's Wednesday. Really freakin' big chickens take a loong time to thaw.

I have two concerns about this chicken in my fridge. First, it's taking up a significant fraction of my available space:

And second, I'm worried that I'll open up my fridge tomorrow morning and chicken-y salt water will come pouring out because that poor shelf can't bear the weight of the pot. How much does 20 quarts of water and a really freakin' big chicken weigh? A bit over 49 pounds, people. Trust me, I'm a chemist. I did the volume-to-weight conversion. So, do we think this shelf can hold it? Should I move the pot over to the other side where the drawer is? Send in your suggestions.

Dolphins are really [insert adjective here]

Mine happened to be: clever, playful, talented...Oh, and do mute your speakers if you don't want to hear the violin music (it doesn't really contribute much

BAD PIE

A while ago I spoke to you all about Good Pie, instructed you in how to recognize it and divulged to you the secrets to eating it properly. I hope you have taken this advice to heart.

I write you today with a heavy heart for I have to discuss Bad Pie. Now you and I both know that in an ideal world there would be no Bad Pie (world peace, an end to poverty, fine, but seriously -- can you imagine a world with only Good Pie? It sends chills down my spine). But this is no ideal world and there are people out there putting themselves in Positions of Power as Pie Distributors who are letting you all down.

You see, there's a new Pie Bakery (this is the actual name of the shop) in town that my family tried out last night. When I got to the shop to buy a few pieces to take to dinner with me, my options were key lime pie (fine) and three choices of cream pie. That's all. Cream pie is...well, it's OK if there are other options as well, but honestly, I'm wary of a pie shop that seems to only be offering slices of cream pie. What are they trying to hide under all of that custard and whipped cream? (I am obligated to mention that this bakery did make their own whipped cream. At least some things are sacred.) I'll tell you what they were hiding: their crust.

Good pie crust is delicate and flaky, it almost dissolves in your mouth. Good Crust is difficult to work with. Apparently these pastry chefs couldn't be bothered and added BAKING POWDER to their dough to give it the appearance of flakiness, but really, it just ended up tasting like a stale cracker. Whywhywhywhywhy would they do that?! Remember, people, a stale cracker won't form that luxurious layer of slightly under-done filling-flavored goo that you're supposed to scrape off in Step 5 of your pie eating.

I do have to say there is one high point with this new bakery: the "History of Pie" blurb on the back of their takeout menu. And I quote:

"Pie has been around since the ancient Egyptians. The first pies were made by early Romans who may have learned about it through the Greeks. ."

Yes, there really is two-thirds of an ellipses on the printed document. I appreciate the proprietors covering their butts with the ancient civilizations, but why stop with the Egyptians, Romans and Greeks? How about the Akkadians or Babylonians? We could also -- gasp! -- venture onto other continental land masses! I wonder if any Ancient South American civilizations had pie. Better mention them too, just to be sure.

Random internet stuff

Random stuff from the internets:

• "Scientists for better PCR" music video
• The next board game I'm going to buy
• PBS is showing all of the movie versions of Jane Austen's books, and we get to vote on which leading man is our favorite! Ah, PBS, educational as always. Now who will I choose...Hot Guy from MI-5? Or Ye Olde Classic, Mr. Darcy? Decisions, decisions.
  
• Shannon Hale interviews Libba Bray
• If you liked the idea of Buffy Season 8 in comic book form, you'll be thrilled to know that the same thing is happening with Angel
• Friend C found this for me, and I have to say, she was dead on that I want to do this to a future room in my future house